I thought I would share my confession today, because the Top Ten Tuesday topic for this week is your 10 blogging confessions. I don't feel the need to list them all down, because I'd rather use them for other 'Mel on reading' posts. So instead I'm going to share you something personal about myself and that is: awkwardness.
Despite the fact that I like to comment around the blogosphere, I am seriously awkward when it comes to being social in real life. I must admit that it's easier now I'm older, but there are still some stages I go through when it comes to meeting new people. The fact that I’m part of a book club I formed this year with a couple of other bloggers is still a milestone for me and it shows me that I've come a long way from the shy, scared girl I used to be.
So my first thoughts when I enter a room with new people is:
I DON’T WANT TO GO. If I could, I would turn around and run away. I feel out of place and uncomfortable. I will try to find a place somewhere in a corner, blending in and not standing out. When people approach me I get very nervous/anxious. I stutter and stumble and I won't reply much. I'm scared people don't like me. This is something I feel stupid about afterwards, because why can't I just talk like a normal person? It's not like I don't have things to tell.. I seem to shut down.
If people aren’t intimidated by my behavior (some people think it’s arrogance) and they stick around, we go to the next phase.
When I’ve talked with someone for a while, I might warm up to have a more solid conversation.
Let’s say we decide to meet a couple of times, like when you made connections in your new class.
If I’ve talked with this person for a couple of times, I might feel better around them. If I become friends with that person, I’m unstoppable. I like talking about everything if I feel comfortable around someone. It just takes time before I get out of my shell.
What this has to do with blogging? Well, I’m also not very confident about my presence in the blogosphere. I’m trying to be more active on Twitter, but I’m sometimes still intimidated. Trying to talk with people and butting into conversations: it still scares the hell out of me! Before I send my Tweet, I probably look a couple of minutes at it, hoping I don’t make any faults and doubting if I should hit send or not.
The thing is, it’s also nerve-wracking when someone doesn’t reply. I’m always afraid to be ignored and I want people to like me. So if the conversation just stops, I’m scared I said something offending or that the other person is tired of me. I can take things far too personal (although I’m working on it, but this is hard) and Twitter conversations between friends can be intimidating. It sometimes makes me feel left out. I think these feelings are because of my bullying past (and if you want to read more, here is a letter I wrote to a younger Mel) and how I never want to return to that lonely not-good-enough feeling.
At the same time I feel incredibly comfortable on my blog.. This really is 'my spot' and I feel like I can be myself without being judged, so that is great!
How are you doing on the Twitter platform? Do you ever feel self-conscious around new people or on social media? Leave a link if you made a blogging confession TTT post!